Staff Briefing Notes on the Residents
● Cinderella has been leaving her right slipper in the stairwells again. Please make sure to pick it up and return it to her when you find it; we’ve already had one staff member fall and we don’t need a repeat of last year’s run on hip replacement surgeries. We’re not sure how she keeps getting out of her ward, so please keep an eye out for her fairy godmother or any talkative mice.
● Pinocchio has developed a splintering condition. I only bring this up as we need to make sure to keep Aurora well away from him. I hardly need to remind you all that her narcoleptic condition is triggered by the pricking of her finger and Pinocchio is leaving a mile-wide trail of splinters behind him.
● Little Bo Peep has been set off frequently over the last week, by whom, we’re not sure, but please make sure to find and stop whatever joker keeps asking her where her sheep are. She’s reached her limit on sedatives and the side effects are starting to show.
● Please remind the therapy dog handlers that Belle’s room is off-limits. She keeps thinking up new ways to ‘express her love’ to the poor animals, trying to turn them back into her husband. The last thing we need is the ASPCA picketing outside. Nor do we need the publicity of having any of our residents arrested for bestiality.
● We discovered yesterday that Hansel and Gretel have been hoarding their arthritis and heart medications to use as markers should someone decide to lead them out into the woods again. Make sure when you give them their pills they actually swallow them.
● If you’re serving on the cafeteria line, do not give Jack any beans; he has been burying them in the fake plants. In other news, we’ve discovered where the atrocious smell was coming from in Ward 2, and all the planters have been sanitized.
● Finally, Ariel has been restricted to sponge baths only. Her dementia has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers she hasn’t had gills for decades and insists on running baths in an effort to prove to the staff that she can breathe underwater. Regardless of how persuasive she sounds, don’t be fooled, she cannot.
That’s it for today guys. Thanks for your attention, and may your day be happily ever after.
© 2014 by Rebecca Demarest
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